Mentally Ill? Please Call Back During Business Hours...In 5 to 10 Business Days

 

Well, thanks for the outpouring of love and support that has come due to recent posts. I really wasn't trying to get attention, merely blow off some steam after a tough day. However, for those who care, I have been down in the dumps for almost a year now. This is a shout-out to my neighbor Mary Beth, recent illustrious winner of UVa's Oncology Center Compassionate Care Award, who always listens to my crazy depressed ramblings whenever I come over to her house. I'd like to award her the Orangedale Compassionate Friend Award.
Anyways, in terms of finding a professional, paid therapist, I took the bold step of pulling out my insurance card from my wallet. However, before I even thought to do that, I went to www.anthem.com to see what they could do for me. After trying to register several times, I realized that the password I choose was not long enough. After reworking my password, I was able to register, only to discover that my PIN number was going to come in 5 to 10 business days. Well, I guess my crazy is going to have to wait until next week.
However, I did notice, in big, friendly letters (it's homage, not plagiarism), "MENTAL HEALTH" followed by a very promising colon:
I looked, hoping to see a benefit structure...but instead it was an 800 number. Well, that was something, at least. So, I called, and a very friendly recording told me that anyone who was still at work neither had any clue as to what benefits I'm entitled nor could authorize any problems that I might be experiencing. It was reassuring, though, to know that, if I were on the side of building, about to jump, I could call the MENTAL HEALTH 800 number on my insurance card, and, after listening to the very friendly recording, I could be put on hold to talk to someone who might care. All this for free--I must tell Spencer to stop telling the kids, "Here's 35¢, call someone who cares." Of course, lately he's been using, "1-800-WAH," which, some young scholar always notices, could not actually be a real phone number.
Well, 5 to 10 business days later, you may hear that I'm a new man, or, a depressed one who is actually seeking help.