05/05/05

On the fifth day of the fifth month of the 62nd year of the 19th century--the Mexicans earned themselves some good ol' fashioned national pride. This was dutifully celebrated by yours truly at El Puerto by only paying $2.50 for my Corona. This and some enchiladas verdes deliciosas really put me in the mood.
I mean, what a tremendous historical event. Here it is, the United States, which has pledged to protect the new states of Latin America from European interference, is in the depths of the greatest internecine warfare ever seen. Napoleon III sees his chance, and sends off his henchman, Maximillian to become "Emperor of Mexico"--what a title, almost as good as "Level 5 Dungeon Wizard." If the Mexicans want to maintain their "democracy" and "independence" they are going to have to go it alone against the world's second most powerful, but most effeminate, superpower. Well, you all know the story, they met the dastardly Europeans at the dusty battlefield of Puebla, and well, I won't bore you with what you learned in your high school history classes.
But seriously, let's take a walk through Mexican history--as I shared with Vicki this morning during the 5k fun run for Darfur. (It does seem ironic to win a t-shirt in order to combat genocide.) Anyways, back to Mexican history.

THE AZTECS
-Brutal oppresion of all neighboring tribes.
-Ritual human sacrifice.
-Floating gardens.
THE CONQUISTADORS
-Brutal oppresion of all native peoples within reach.
-Catholicism allows for Christian brotherhood between whites and natives, especially brotherly whippings for failure to convert to said Catholicism.
-Racism is a nifty way to keep track of who's more superior.
-In North America, known as conKEEstadors, in Britain, conKWIstadors--everybody wins.
THE WAR OF INDEPENDENCE FROM SPAIN not to be confused with the Mexican Revolution
-White people have freedom to be white.
-Racism still helpful in determining who gets what.
-Haciendas provide another great idea for naming developments in America's vast suburban wasteland along with such trees as Elms, Oaks, and Poplars.
THE TEXAS WAR OF INDEPENDENCE not to be confused with the Texas Annexation a decade later
-The Alamo allows aging white Southern actors chance to make bad historical movies.
-Austin City Limits provides excellent entertainment on Friday nights on PBS.
-They messed with Texas.
THE U.S./MEXICAN WAR to be confused with the Mexican War.
-Abraham Lincoln, a liberal America-hating communist, opposes American imperialism in the Southwest.
-We kick the shit out of Mexico.
-St. Patrick's bridage--a bunch of Irishmen come down to Mexico, get so drunk, start fighting on the wrong side.
-2/3 of Mexico becomes inspiration for Chili's restaurant.
FRANCO-MEXICAN WAR not to be confused with delicious Franco-American Spaghetti-O's
-Mexico finally wins a war.
-Everyone has defeated France, big fricking deal.
-Cinco De Mayo great reason for discounting Mexican Beer.
OPPRESSIVE DICTATORSHIP OF PORFIRIO DIAZ
-Would you like to have someone named Porfirio pushing you around for 35 years.
MEXICAN REVOLUTION not to be confused with previously mentioned War of Independence or Cinco de Mayo
-Wave upon wave of internecine violence.
-Pancho Villa inspires many Southwestern mayhem-themed restaurants.
-What's not to love about a total breakdown in law and order.
-Gives Pershing a chance to practice riding around in a desert before sending troops to trench warfare in France.
80 YEARS OF A ONE-PARTY "DEMOCRACY"
-"Democracy" is easier when there is only one party to vote for.
-What's better than a revolution--an institutional revolution.
-Trotsky had a pleasant stay until unpleasantly and literally axed by NKVD (KGB to be).
-Frida Kahlo was crazy, man.
VICENTE FOX not to be confused with Mexican soap opera actor
-Who better to run Mexico than Coca-Cola.
-Last name sounds better to Anglos than some crazy Mexican name ending with "-ez".
-Name sounds vaguely reassuring to Red staters.

I hope you all got in some good celebrating this past Thursday, because Mexico deserves something to cheer about besides Gael García Bernal acting all gay in artsy films. I raise my glass in tribute to my plucky friends south of the border willing to risk suffocation, horrible diseases not known since the 19th century, and crazy militias just to work at Wal-Mart with no insurance. Globalization is here to stay. ¡Salud, mis amigos!